Why You Sometimes Convince Yourself “It Wasn’t That Bad”

A compassionate explanation of minimization as a coping tool.

Why Your Feelings Can Seem All Over the Place

Cognitive Dissonance: When Your Mind Holds Two Truths at Once

Cognitive dissonance is the tension that shows up when you hold two (or more) beliefs, feelings, or experiences that do not seem to fit together.

It is not a sign that you are “weak,” “dramatic,” or “confused on purpose.” It is a very human response to complicated, often painful situations.

What It Can Look Like

• Loving someone and also feeling deeply hurt or afraid around them.
• Thinking “what happened was not okay” and “maybe it was my fault” at the very same time.
• Knowing logically that something is abuse, while another part of you thinks, “But they are also kind sometimes… so is it really that bad?”
• Remembering good memories and wondering how they can exist alongside painful ones.

Why This Happens

Your brain wants things to “make sense” and to feel consistent. When reality is messy or painful, your mind may:

• Try to protect you from overwhelming fear, grief, or anger.
• Hold on to hopeful or loving parts of a relationship so it does not feel unbearable.
• Adapt to survive a situation where you feel stuck, dependent, or unsure what choices are possible.

How Cognitive Dissonance Might Feel Inside

• Feeling “split” – like two parts of you argue with each other.
• Difficulty making decisions because every option feels wrong in some way.
• Feeling guilty no matter what you choose.
• Wondering, “Why can’t I just see this clearly and be done?”

If you recognize yourself in this, you are not alone and you are not broken. Many people who have lived through harm, manipulation, or long-term stress experience this.

Grief and Hope Cycles: The Emotional Back-and-Forth

When you are healing from harm, loss, or big changes, your feelings may move in circles, not straight lines. You might shift between grief and hope again and again.

Understanding Grief in This Context

Grief is not only about death. You might be grieving:

• The relationship you wished you had.
• Time you feel you “lost.”
• A sense of safety, innocence, or trust.
• Parts of yourself you feel were silenced or pushed aside.

Grief can show up as sadness, anger, numbness, irritation, or even relief. None of these reactions make your experience less valid.

Where Hope Shows Up

Hope can be very quiet. It might look like:

• Imagining a future that feels a little less heavy.
• Noticing small joys, even while you are still hurting.
• Thinking, “Maybe I do deserve better,” even if that thought scares you.
• Taking tiny steps to care for yourself, even when your energy is low.

Why the Ups and Downs Can Feel So Intense

Moving between grief and hope can feel disorienting:

• One day you may feel certain about a decision, and the next day you might question everything.
• You might have moments of strength and clarity, followed by waves of doubt or longing.
• Feeling a little better can even trigger fear, as if waiting for the next painful thing.

The Pressure to “Stay Positive”

Many people who have been hurt also carry a heavy pressure to be “strong,” “forgive quickly,” or “focus on the positive.” This pressure can come from family, community, culture, or even from inside yourself.

How This Pressure Might Sound

• “At least it wasn’t worse…”
• “You should be over this by now.”
• “Other people had it harder, so you shouldn’t complain.”
• “If you think positively, you’ll feel better faster.”

These messages can make you doubt your own pain or rush yourself through grief.

How It Can Affect You

• You may feel ashamed for still hurting.
• You might hide your true feelings to avoid burdening others.
• You may smile or joke while feeling empty, angry, or scared inside.
• You might think you are “failing at healing” because you cannot stay positive all the time.

Making Space for All of Your Feelings

It can be exhausting to live with cognitive dissonance, grief and hope cycles, and pressure to stay positive. You deserve room for the full truth of what you feel.

Gentle Possibilities

• Allow more than one feeling to exist at once, without forcing yourself to choose just one “correct” emotion.
• Notice when you are judging your own reactions (“I shouldn’t feel this way”) and see if you can soften that voice, even a little.
• Give yourself permission to have days that are hopeful and days that are heavy, without labeling either as “wrong.”
• Use simple words for your inner experience, like “A part of me feels hopeful, and a part of me is still grieving.” Both can be true.

Offering Yourself Compassion

You have been navigating complex situations with the tools you had at the time. The confusion, back-and-forth feelings, and pressure you carry are responses to what you have lived through.

You are allowed to move slowly. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to feel angry, sad, numb, hopeful, relieved, or anything in between.