For Friends and Family Who Are Worried

Guidance for people supporting someone who may be in an abusive or controlling relationship.

Supporting Someone in an Abusive Relationship

You Matter in Their Story

Being close to someone who may be experiencing abuse can feel confusing, heartbreaking, and overwhelming. You might feel scared for them, frustrated by their choices, and unsure what to say or do.

This page is here to offer gentle guidance, language you can try, and reminders that your care, presence, and limits also matter.

Why People Stay or Go Back (Without Judgment)

People often ask, “Why don’t they just leave?” Abuse is complex, and leaving is rarely simple or quick. There are many reasons someone might stay, leave, return, or move back and forth between decisions.

Common Reasons Someone Might Stay

• Fear of what might happen if they leave – threats, escalation, or fear of retaliation can feel very real.
• Financial dependence – they might rely on their partner for money, housing, transportation, or basic needs.
• Children or family responsibilities – they may worry about custody, stability for children, or breaking up a family.
• Love and hope – many people still care deeply about their partner and hope things will improve.
• Isolation – over time, abusers often cut people off from friends, family, or work, making it hard to see options.
• Believing it is their fault – they may have been told repeatedly that they are to blame.
• Cultural, religious, or community pressures – expectations about marriage, privacy, or “keeping the family together” can be powerful.
• Immigration or legal concerns – they may fear losing status, being disbelieved, or facing other systems.
• Disability or health needs – they may rely on their partner for care, transportation, or communication.
• Shame and embarrassment – it can be deeply hard to share what is happening or to ask for help.

Why Someone Might Go Back After Leaving

• Mixed feelings – it is possible to feel hurt and scared, and also miss the good moments and shared history.
• Pressure or promises – abusers may apologize, promise change, or use guilt and manipulation.
• Practical realities – finding housing, work, childcare, or transportation can take time and resources.
• Feeling alone – if they feel judged or abandoned by others, going back can feel like the only familiar option.
• Trauma bonds – cycles of affection and harm can create powerful emotional ties that are hard to break.

What Often Helps: Ways to Show Up

You do not have to fix the situation. Being a steady, caring presence can make a meaningful difference. Small, consistent acts of support can help your loved one feel less alone.

Listening and Believing

• Listen more than you speak. Let them share at their own pace without pushing for details.
• Believe them. You might say, “I’m so sorry this is happening. I believe you.”
• Validate their feelings. It is okay if they feel confused, scared, numb, angry, or still in love.
• Use gentle, open questions. For example, “How have things been feeling at home lately?”
• Respect what they do not want to talk about yet. They may need time to trust that it is safe to share.

Showing You Care Without Pressure

• Reassure them it is not their fault. No one deserves to be hurt, threatened, or controlled.
• Remind them they are not alone. You might say, “I’m here for you, even if you’re not ready to make changes yet.”
• Offer practical support you can realistically give. For example, occasional childcare, a ride, or a place to talk.
• Check in periodically. A short message like, “Thinking of you today” can gently keep the door open.
• Respect their decisions. Even when you disagree, you can still affirm their right to make choices about their own life.

Supporting Their Autonomy

• Offer options, not orders. For example, “If you ever want to talk through options, I can sit with you.”
• Ask what support would feel helpful. Rather than assuming, you might say, “Is there anything that would make today a bit easier?”
• Go at their pace. Change often happens in small steps, not all at once.
• Affirm their strengths. Gently remind them of times they have coped, planned, or protected themselves or others.

What Usually Does Not Help (Even If Well-Intended)

It is very human to feel angry at the person causing harm and to want your loved one out immediately. Some reactions, though, can make it harder for them to reach out again.

Common Pitfalls to Be Mindful Of

• Ultimatums. Saying things like “Leave them or I’m done with you” can increase their isolation and shame.
• Shaming or blaming. Comments like “Why would you stay with someone like that?” can deepen self-blame.
• “I told you so.” Even if you saw warning signs, pointing them out harshly can shut down future conversations.
• Speaking badly about their partner too aggressively. This can make them feel they have to defend the relationship, even if they have concerns.
• Taking over their decisions. Making plans on their behalf can leave them feeling powerless and unsafe.
• Sharing their story without consent. Telling others what is happening without their permission can feel like a violation, even if you mean well.
• Pressuring them to forgive or move on quickly. Healing and decision-making take time.

Caring for Your Own Boundaries and Safety

Supporting someone affected by abuse can be emotionally heavy. Your well-being matters too. It is okay to have limits while still caring deeply.

Your Feelings Are Real Too

• You might feel worried, angry, helpless, exhausted, or even resentful at times.
• These reactions are common and do not mean you love your person any less.
• Having your own support system can make it easier to show up for them with patience.

Setting Gentle Boundaries

• Be honest about what you can and cannot do. For example, how often you can talk, or what kind of practical help you can offer.
• Use “I” statements. You might say, “I care about you a lot, and I need to turn my phone off at night to rest. I’ll check in tomorrow.”
• Allow yourself to step back when you feel overwhelmed. Taking a break from intense conversations can be healthy.
• Keep your expectations realistic. You can offer support, but you cannot control their choices or the other person’s behavior.

Being Mindful of Your Own Safety

• Notice if contact with the abusive person, or being at certain locations, makes you feel uneasy or unsafe.
• Pay attention to your instincts about what feels okay for you.
• It is okay to decline requests that would put you in situations that feel unsafe or beyond your capacity.

Helpful Language You Can Try

Finding words can be hard. You might adapt these phrases in your own voice:

• “Thank you for trusting me with this. I’m really glad you told me.”
• “None of this is your fault. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.”
• “You know your situation better than anyone. I trust you to make the choices that feel safest for you.”
• “No matter what you decide right now, I care about you and I’m here to listen.”
• “If you ever want to explore options, I can sit with you and think through things.”

Explore More: Articles for Friends & Family

These pages go deeper into specific parts of supporting someone in an abusive relationship.

• Recognizing Possible Signs of Abuse as a Supporter
• How to Have a Gentle Conversation About Your Concerns
• Supporting Someone Who Keeps Going Back
• When You Strongly Dislike Your Loved One’s Partner
• Staying Connected When They Feel Isolated and Ashamed
• Supporting a Survivor While Respecting Their Privacy
• When You Live With or Near the Abusive Person
• Supporting Teens and Young Adults in Unhealthy Relationships
• Helping Without Taking Over: Encouraging Autonomy and Choice
• Coping With Your Own Stress, Guilt, and Worry as a Supporter