Parenting When There’s Control, Conflict, or Abuse

A starting point for caregivers trying to protect children and themselves in the middle of chaos or control.

Supporting Kids When There’s Abuse or Control at Home

Naming the Situation Without Calling Yourself a “Bad Parent”

Many caregivers in abusive or highly controlling situations feel torn. You may love your children deeply and still feel like you are not protecting them “enough.” This can bring up shame, fear, and self-blame.

It can help to gently separate who you are from what is happening around you.

• You are a person doing your best in a very hard situation.
• The abusive or harmful behavior belongs to the person choosing it, not to you.
• Feeling scared, stuck, or unsure does not mean you are a bad parent.
• You can care about your kids’ safety and also feel limited in what you can safely change right now.

When naming what is happening, you might focus on the behavior, not on labels for yourself or your family. Some people find it helpful to use phrases like:

• “There is a lot of yelling and tension at home.”
• “Sometimes people in our family treat others in ways that are not okay.”
• “Someone in our home is being controlling and unkind.”

You do not have to use words like “abuse” if that feels overwhelming or unsafe. You get to decide what language feels right and safe for you and your kids.

What Kids Often Notice, Even When We Think They Don’t

Children and teens are often more aware than adults realize. Even if they are in another room, kids can pick up on what is happening in the home through many small signs.

Kids may notice things like:

• Changes in your mood, energy, or body language.
• Raised voices, silence, or tension, even if they cannot hear the words.
• Doors slamming, things breaking, or footsteps that sound “different.”
• One adult always “in trouble” or being blamed.
• Rules that suddenly change, feel unfair, or only apply to some people.
• Secrets, whispered conversations, or “we don’t talk about that here.”

Depending on their age and personality, kids might respond in many ways:

• Acting “extra good” or helpful, trying to keep the peace.
• Acting out, arguing, or getting into trouble at school.
• Withdrawing, staying in their room, or becoming very quiet.
• Having headaches, stomachaches, or trouble sleeping.
• Trying to protect you or siblings during tense moments.

None of these reactions mean your child is “bad” or “dramatic.” They are often understandable responses to ongoing stress or fear.

Small Ways to Support Kids Emotionally (Even If You Can’t Fully Change Things Yet)

Sometimes leaving or changing the situation is not immediately possible. Even then, there are gentle, small ways you may be able to support your child’s emotional world.

1. Name Feelings in Simple, Honest Ways

You can acknowledge what is happening at a level that feels safe and age-appropriate, without sharing adult details.

• “You might feel scared when there is yelling. That makes sense.”
• “It can feel confusing when grown-ups argue a lot.”
• “I notice you get really quiet after that happens. I wonder if you feel worried.”

Short, calm statements can help your child feel less alone with their feelings.

2. Offer Reassurance About What Is Not Their Fault

Kids often blame themselves when there is conflict or control at home. Gentle reminders can help:

• “None of this is your fault, even a little.”
• “Grown-ups are responsible for how they act, not kids.”
• “You did not cause the yelling or the anger.”

3. Create Small Moments of Safety and Connection

You might not be able to control the whole environment, but brief, predictable connections can make a difference.

• A bedtime routine, even if short: a story, a hug they agree to, or a few minutes of talking.
• A special signal (a phrase or gesture) that means “I love you and I’m here,” used when things are tense.
• Shared activities that feel calming: drawing, a simple game, listening to music, or stretching together.

4. Encourage Expression in Ways That Feel Safe

Some kids like to talk; others express more through play or creativity.

• Offer paper, crayons, or journals for drawing or writing feelings.
• Use play or stories to explore emotions: “This toy looks worried. What might help them?”
• Let them know it is okay to cry, be angry, or be quiet.

They don’t have to talk about everything. Simply knowing you are open to hearing them can be comforting.

5. Take Care of Your Own Nervous System Where You Can

Your well-being matters too. Any small step that helps you feel a bit calmer can support your kids, because they often “borrow” calm from you.

• Taking a few slow breaths when you can.
• Reaching out to a trusted friend, relative, or support line for emotional support.
• Reminding yourself, “I am doing what I can right now.”

Co-Parenting or Parallel Parenting After Separation (Concept Level)

If you have separated or are thinking about separating from an abusive or highly controlling partner, parenting can become even more complicated and emotionally heavy.

What People Often Mean by “Co-Parenting”

Co-parenting usually describes a cooperative relationship between adults who are no longer together but can communicate respectfully about their children. It often includes:

• Shared decision-making about school, health, and activities.
• Flexible communication about schedules and needs.
• Honoring the child’s relationship with both adults when it is safe.

In situations where abuse or coercive control has been present, this kind of close cooperation can feel unrealistic or unsafe. Many survivors feel pressure to “co-parent well” even when the other parent continues harmful patterns.

What “Parallel Parenting” Is, in Simple Terms

Parallel parenting is a concept some people use when ongoing communication or cooperation with the other parent is very difficult or emotionally unsafe. In parallel parenting:

• Each parent focuses mostly on how they care for the child during their own time.
• Direct contact between adults is kept to the minimum that is required or feels manageable.
• There is less expectation of sharing daily details and more focus on keeping children’s routines as steady as possible.

Parallel parenting is not about giving up on your child’s needs. It is about recognizing that you may have limited influence over the other adult’s behavior and choosing to focus your energy where you have more control—your own parenting and your own responses.

Supporting Kids Emotionally After Separation

Children may feel a mix of relief, sadness, anger, confusion, or loyalty pulls between adults. You can gently support them by:

• Letting them know all their feelings are welcome: “It’s okay to miss them and also feel mad.”
• Avoiding putting them in the middle or asking them to carry adult secrets.
• Keeping routines as consistent as you can, within your own space and energy.
• Reassuring them that both parents’ adult choices are not the child’s responsibility.

Parenting Resources You Can Explore

You might choose to explore these related articles when you feel ready. Titles are listed so you can decide what feels most helpful for you:

• “Talking With Kids About Tension and Conflict at Home”
• “Age-by-Age Reactions: How Children May Respond to Control or Abuse”
• “Soothing Routines: Creating Small Islands of Calm for Your Child”
• “Supporting Your Child’s Feelings When You Feel Overwhelmed”
• “Helping Kids Understand That Abuse Is Never Their Fault”
• “Staying Emotionally Connected When You Share Custody or Visitation”
• “Understanding Parallel Parenting After Leaving an Abusive Relationship”
• “Caring for Yourself While Caring for Your Kids”

You deserve support as a parent and as a person. Your care, even in very limited circumstances, matters greatly to your children.