Healing After Abuse Isn’t Linear

A gentle overview of what emotional healing may look like after abuse or coercive control.

Healing After Abuse

What “Healing” Might and Might Not Look Like

Healing after abuse is not a single moment. It is a shifting, uneven process that can look very different from person to person and from day to day.

What Healing Might Look Like

You might notice healing in small, quiet ways rather than big dramatic changes.

• Having a few moments where you feel lighter or more like yourself
• Being able to rest a little more easily than before
• Starting to question hurtful messages you were told
• Feeling proud of tiny choices that protect your well-being
• Letting yourself cry, vent, or feel without judging it
• Reaching out to someone you trust, even briefly
• Rediscovering old interests or trying gentle new ones
• Setting a small boundary, even if your voice shakes

What Healing Is Not

Sometimes people imagine healing as “being over it” or never thinking about it again. That can create pressure and shame.

• Healing is not always feeling happy or “positive.”
• Healing is not forgetting what happened.
• Healing is not reacting perfectly or calmly every time.
• Healing is not moving on at the pace other people expect.
• Healing is not a straight line; ups and downs are common.
• Healing is not losing all anger, fear, or confusion.

Common Feelings: Anger, Sadness, Numbness, Missing Them

Many people feel a mix of emotions after abuse. You do not have to “pick one” or make sense of it right away.

Anger

Anger can show up in many ways: irritation, rage, defensiveness, or feeling easily overwhelmed. You might feel angry at the person who hurt you, at yourself, at people who did not step in, or at the world for allowing it to happen.

Feeling anger does not make you “bad” or “out of control.” It can be a sign that a part of you recognizes you deserved better.

Sadness

Sadness might be heavy and constant, or it might come in waves. You may grieve:

• The version of the relationship you hoped for
• The time and energy you lost
• The sense of safety or trust that was affected
• Parts of yourself that feel distant or changed

Grief after abuse is normal. You are grieving something real, even if others do not understand it.

Numbness

Sometimes feelings are so intense that the mind and body respond by going numb. This might look like:

• Feeling “blank” or disconnected
• Going through the motions without much emotion
• Struggling to cry or feel anything at all
• Feeling like you are watching your life from the outside

Numbness is not proof that what you went through was “not that bad.” It can be how your system is trying to protect you when things feel too big.

Missing Them

It is very common to miss the person who hurt you, especially if there were moments of kindness, love, or comfort mixed with harm.

• You might miss who you thought they were.
• You might miss the good days or sweet memories.
• You might miss the familiarity, even if it was painful.

Missing them does not mean you were not hurt. It does not cancel out your pain or your truth. Holding both “they hurt me” and “I miss them” at the same time is a very human experience.

Understanding Trauma Responses (Without Heavy Clinical Language)

When you live through abuse, your body and mind work hard to keep you going. Some reactions that may feel confusing or “wrong” are actually your system trying to protect you.

Common Body and Mind Reactions

• Feeling on edge or jumpy – startling easily, scanning for danger, or having trouble relaxing.
• Shutting down – feeling sleepy, spaced-out, or like you want to disappear.
• Big reactions to small triggers – something that seems minor may bring a wave of panic, anger, or sadness.
• Memories that intrude – certain smells, sounds, or places may suddenly bring you back to past moments.
• Changes in sleep – trouble falling or staying asleep, frequent waking, or sleeping a lot more than usual.
• Changes in appetite – eating much more or much less than you used to.
• Self-blame thoughts – replaying events, wondering what you “should have” done differently.
• Difficulty trusting – feeling wary around people, even those who feel safe most of the time.

Why These Responses Happen

Your brain and body learn from what you have lived through. When you have been hurt, they may stay on alert or shut down to manage overwhelm. These responses might have helped you get through the situation, even if they are uncomfortable now.

Noticing these reactions does not mean you are “broken.” It can be the first step in offering yourself more understanding and care.

When to Consider Professional Support

Only you can decide if professional support feels right for you. Some people find it helpful; others use different paths. There is no single correct choice.

Signs More Support Might Help

You might consider looking for extra support if you notice any of these for more than a short time, or if they feel especially distressing:

• Feeling stuck in the same painful patterns and unsure how to shift them
• Daily life (work, school, parenting, relationships) feeling very hard to manage
• Strong emotions that feel overwhelming or hard to soothe
• Feeling unsafe inside your own mind or body
• Frequent nightmares or intrusive memories
• Pulling away from everyone and feeling very alone
• Thoughts of hurting yourself or giving up

Options for Professional and Community Support

If and when you feel ready, you could explore:

• Individual therapy or counseling – talking one-on-one with a trained listener who understands trauma and abuse.
• Support groups – connecting with others who have been through similar situations, in person or online.
• Peer-led spaces – groups or communities led by people with lived experience.
• Hotlines or text lines – confidential support where you can share what is going on, ask questions, or simply be heard.

You can move at your own pace. It is okay to:

• Try one kind of support and decide it is not for you
• Take breaks and return later
• Ask questions about how someone works before opening up
• Trust your instincts about who feels respectful and safe enough

Explore More Healing Resources

If you would like to keep exploring, these related articles may be supportive:

• “Small Everyday Steps Toward Healing”
• “Coping With Flashbacks and Sudden Waves of Emotion”
• “Learning to Trust Yourself Again”
• “Grieving the Relationship You Hoped For”
• “Setting Gentle Boundaries While You Heal”
• “Self-Compassion for Survivors: Being on Your Own Side”
• “When Memories Come Back Unexpectedly”
• “Finding Supportive People and Communities”

You do not have to work through everything at once. You can skim, pause, return later, or choose just one thing that feels manageable today. Moving slowly is still moving.