Digital Safety When Someone Checks Your Phone

Practical ideas for people whose messages, devices, or accounts are being monitored by a partner.

Digital Safety: Gentle Guidance for Taking Care Online

Before You Change Anything: Taking a Moment to Assess Risk

Digital safety can be confusing and emotional, especially if someone in your life is controlling, monitoring, or easily angered. It is okay to move slowly and to choose only the steps that feel realistic and safe for you.

Before changing settings, passwords, or devices, it can help to pause and gently notice:

• How the person usually reacts to surprises: Do they get angry if something small looks “different” on your phone or computer?
• Whether they already check your devices: Do they read your messages, look at your call log or photos, or ask about your social media often?
• What they control: Do they pay for your phone, have your passwords, or keep your devices with them much of the time?
• Your current safety level: Is there a pattern of threats, yelling, breaking things, or physical harm when they feel they’re “not in control”?
• Support you have around you: Is there anyone you trust who knows what is going on, or a safe place you can go if things feel too tense?

If making a digital change might be noticed, it can be safer to:

• Delay the change until you have more privacy or support.
• Make only one small change at a time instead of many at once.
• Practice what you might say if they ask questions (for example, “The phone did an update on its own”).

Phones & Messaging: Understanding the Basics

Phones are often the main way someone might keep tabs on you. You know your situation best, and you can decide which of these ideas, if any, feel right.

Things to Consider About Your Phone

• Who set up the phone? If the other person chose the phone, set it up, or keeps the account in their name, they may have extra ways to see what you do.
• Who knows your passcode? If they know or push you to share your passcode, they may look through your messages, photos, or apps.
• How often they handle your phone: Someone who frequently “borrows” your phone may notice new apps, deleted messages, or changed settings.

Messaging: What Might Be Visible

It can help to remember that different types of messages may show up in different places:

• Text messages: Names, numbers, and message content may be visible if someone opens your messaging app.
• Chat apps (like messaging inside social media): If you stay logged in, someone holding your phone could read those chats.
• Notifications on the lock screen: Even if your phone is locked, previews of messages may pop up and be seen quickly.

Gentle Options You Might Consider

Only if it feels safe and unlikely to be noticed, some people choose to:

• Turn off message previews on the lock screen, so only the sender’s name appears, not the whole message.
• Use neutral language or code words with trusted people, so a message seems ordinary if glanced at.
• Agree with a trusted person about what to do if you suddenly stop replying, so you are not pushed to explain under pressure.

Social Media and Shared Devices

Social Media: What Others Can See

Social media can make it easier for someone to watch your movements, mood, and connections. You might gently think about:

• Who can see your posts: The more open your account is, the more someone can track your activities and relationships.
• Location tags: Tagging a location can show where you are or where you often go.
• Friends and followers: Sometimes mutual friends share screenshots or repeat what you post.

If it feels safe and not likely to cause suspicion, some people choose to:

• Post less often, or share only general updates that don’t reveal where they are.
• Avoid location tags or wait to post until they have left a place.
• Use private messages only with people they deeply trust, remembering that messages could still be seen by someone who has the device.

Shared Devices: Computers, Tablets, and Family Phones

If you share a device with someone who may be unsafe, they might see:

• Websites that were visited.
• Files that were opened or recently used.
• Social media accounts that stayed logged in.

If it is unlikely to be noticed and feels okay, you might:

• Log out of accounts when you are finished using them, if that is not unusual for you.
• Use “guest” or separate user profiles, if that is already common in your home.
• Use public or community computers only if you feel comfortable and have privacy while using them.

Safer Ways to Research Help

Looking up information about support can be very important, but it may feel risky if someone checks your devices. You deserve to explore options in ways that feel as safe as possible for your situation.

Where You Look for Information

• On your usual devices: If the person often checks your phone or computer, they may notice search terms or websites.
• On someone else’s device: Using a trusted friend’s phone or computer may feel safer, if that friend understands the situation and agrees.
• On public or community devices: Computers in libraries or community centers can sometimes offer more distance from home, as long as you feel comfortable there and have enough privacy while you’re using them.

Lightly Clearing Your Tracks (Only If Safe)

Changing device history can sometimes draw attention. If the other person checks history often, suddenly having no history or a very short list can raise questions. Your safety comes first.

Only if you believe it would not be noticed, you might consider:

• Visiting a few everyday websites afterward (such as news or weather), so your history does not end on a sensitive page.
• Closing tabs when you are done, especially if you are on a shared device and that is normal for you.
• Searching for general topics (for example “stress support” or “relationship communication”) instead of very specific phrases, if that feels safer.

If clearing history, deleting messages, or installing new apps would be out of character for you, it may be safer not to do those things at all.

Other Ways to Seek Support

If online searching feels risky, you might:

• Talk with a trusted person in a setting that feels private enough for you.
• Write down phone numbers or important information and keep it in a place that does not stand out.
• Ask a professional you already see (such as a doctor, counselor, teacher, or faith leader) if they can help you find additional resources.

Important Reminder: Sometimes Not Hiding Things Is Safest

For some people, trying to hide digital activity can lead to more danger if the other person becomes suspicious, angry, or controlling. Your safety and comfort matter more than any particular safety tip.

If the person in your life:

• Frequently inspects your devices or demands to see everything, and
• Gets very upset if anything looks different or is missing,

then it might actually be safer not to hide or delete certain things, even if they feel very personal to you.

You are the expert on what tends to set them off. It is completely valid to:

• Choose not to clear your history or delete messages if that would raise suspicion.
• Use your devices in your usual way and focus on other forms of safety planning, like when and where you talk to trusted people.
• Decide that, for now, your main goal is to avoid sudden changes that might trigger escalation.