The First 30 Days After Leaving

A soft, trauma-informed guide.

Coping With Confusing Feelings After Abuse

Why Everything Feels So Intense Right Now

In the aftermath of abuse, many people describe feeling like they are on a spinning ride they never chose. Emotions can change quickly and unexpectedly. You might feel strong one moment and overwhelmed the next.

Nothing about these reactions makes you weak or “too sensitive.” They are common responses to a very hard experience, not signs that you did anything wrong.

The Emotional Rollercoaster

After abuse, emotions often come in waves rather than neat stages. You might feel:

• Relief that some things are over
• Fear about what could happen next
• Anger at what was done to you
• Shame or self-blame, even though you are not at fault
• Numbness, like you are watching your life from far away
• Hope for the future and then sudden doubt

It can be confusing to feel many of these at once. You might wonder, “How can I feel angry and still care about them?” or “Why am I crying when I thought I was fine?” This mix is very common.

Small Ways to Ride the Waves

If it feels safe for you, a few gentle practices may help you move through emotional ups and downs:

• Notice and name the feeling. Saying to yourself, “I feel scared right now,” or “I feel really numb,” can make the emotion feel a little more containable.
• Focus on the present moment. Try feeling your feet on the ground, noticing five things you see, or holding onto something comforting like a blanket or warm mug.
• Allow the feeling to exist. You do not have to fix it right away. Reminding yourself, “This feeling will pass,” can sometimes soften its intensity.

Practical Overwhelm: When Life Feels Like Too Much

Alongside big emotions, there can also be a heavy pile of practical concerns: where to stay, money, work, childcare, school, belongings, transportation, and more. Even small tasks might suddenly feel impossible.

Feeling frozen or scattered in this situation is not a failure. Your body and mind have been under stress. Overwhelm is a very human reaction.

Breaking Things Into Smaller Steps

If it feels okay for you, you might experiment with:

• Choosing just one tiny task. For example: taking a shower, sending one text, eating something, or writing down a short list. Completing one thing can be enough for now.
• Sorting tasks into “now” and “later.” Some things are truly urgent; others can wait. Allowing yourself to set some things aside can reduce pressure.
• Using reminders or notes. When your brain is tired, expecting yourself to remember everything can feel harsh. A small notebook, notes app, or calendar alert can help hold some of the load for you.

Missing the Abuser: When Longing and Pain Coexist

Many survivors are surprised or distressed to notice that they miss the person who harmed them. You might miss:

• The good moments or loving words
• Shared routines, jokes, or physical closeness
• The dream of who you hoped they would be
• The sense of belonging or familiarity

Missing them does not mean the abuse was acceptable, or that you should have stayed, or that leaving (if you left) was the wrong choice. Human connections are complex, and abusive people can also be caring or affectionate at times.

Making Sense of Conflicting Feelings

• You can care about someone and be hurt by them. Both can be true at the same time.
• You can miss the relationship and still deserve safety and respect. Longing does not cancel your right to be treated well.
• Grieving what you hoped for is valid. You might be mourning the future you imagined with this person as much as the loss of the relationship itself.

If it feels safe, you might gently remind yourself: “Missing them is a feeling. I still get to choose what is safest and healthiest for me over time.”

Thinking About Asking for Help

Reaching out can feel vulnerable, frightening, or complicated. You might worry you are a burden, or fear not being believed, or feel torn about what to share. All of these reactions are understandable.

You are allowed to need support. Wanting connection is a human need, not a weakness.

Checking In About Safety First

Before reaching out, you might gently consider what feels safest for you right now, such as:

• Where you are when you make a call or send a message
• Who might see your phone, computer, or social media
• Whether it feels okay to speak openly, or if you prefer to share less detail

Only you can sense what feels most acceptable and least risky in your situation.

Choosing Who (If Anyone) to Reach Out To

If it feels okay and safe, you might consider:

• A trusted friend or family member who tends to listen without quickly judging or giving orders.
• A support line or community resource that offers confidential emotional support. You get to decide how much or how little to say.
• Written support such as online chat or text-based help, if speaking out loud feels too hard or too exposed.

You do not have to share every detail. You might start with something simple like, “I’m going through something really hard and could use someone to listen.”

Being Gentle With Yourself as You Navigate All This

Healing after abuse is not a straight line. There may be days you feel strong and clear, and days when everything feels like too much. Neither kind of day erases the other.

You deserve patience, care, and compassion—even from yourself. Especially from yourself.

If you do nothing else today but breathe, rest for a moment, or notice that you made it through another day, that is already something meaningful.