Grieving the Relationship While Acknowledging the Harm

A nuanced article about holding two truths at once.

When You Miss Someone Who Hurt You

Holding Two Truths at Once

You can love someone and also be hurt by them. Both can be true at the same time.

Many survivors feel confused because their relationship was not all bad. There may have been moments of care, laughter, support, or deep connection alongside moments of fear, control, or pain.

Nothing is wrong with you for feeling both love and hurt. Your reactions are a very human response to a very complex situation.

Missing Who They Pretended to Be

You might find yourself missing the version of them who:

• Held you when you cried
• Said all the right words at the right time
• Promised to change, to be better, to “never do it again”
• Made you feel special, chosen, or deeply understood

It is common to grieve:

• Who you thought they were
• Who they sometimes were
• Who they promised they could become

Missing that version does not mean you imagined everything. It means you connected to the parts that felt loving, hopeful, or safe, even if they did not last or were mixed with harm.

Why Your Feelings Can Feel So Mixed

After harm, many people expect themselves to feel only anger or only relief. But feelings often show up as a tangle:

• Love and disappointment
• Longing and anger
• Gratitude for good memories and grief for the harm
• Relief to have distance and sadness about the loss

These “opposite” emotions can live side by side. They do not cancel each other out. They simply show that the relationship was complicated and that you are a complex, feeling person.

Making Space for the Full Story

You do not have to make them a villain to honor your pain. You also do not have to erase the harm to remember the kindnesses you experienced.

You might gently explore:

• “There were moments I felt deeply cared for.”
• “There were also patterns that hurt me and left scars.”
• “I can acknowledge both without excusing the harm.”

Allowing the full story to exist can bring some relief. You do not need to force yourself into either “it was all terrible” or “it wasn’t that bad.” Your truth may live somewhere in between.

Reconciling Confusing Memories

Looking back, you may wonder:

• “Was any of it real?”
• “Did they ever truly care about me?”
• “How could someone who said they loved me also hurt me?”

There may not be simple answers, and that uncertainty can be painful. What you can know for sure is what was real for you:

• Your feelings in those “good” moments
• Your pain in the hurtful moments
• The impact the relationship had on your body, heart, and life

Your experience is real, even if their intentions were confusing, changing, or unclear.

Looking at Memories Through a Gentler Lens

If you feel flooded by memories, you might try, at your own pace:

• Noticing which memories feel warm, which feel painful, and which feel mixed
• Reminding yourself that one sweet memory does not erase a harmful pattern
• Allowing yourself to feel sadness for what you wished the relationship could have been

You are allowed to hold onto memories that feel meaningful to you and still set boundaries, seek distance, or name the harm that was done.

Focusing on You, Not on Judging Them

You do not have to decide whether they were “good” or “bad” to heal. You can focus instead on:

• How you felt in the relationship most of the time
• What you needed and did not receive
• What you want and deserve going forward

This shift keeps the focus on your healing rather than on labeling them. Your growth, comfort, and safety matter more than a final verdict on who they were.

Grieving What You Hoped For

Sometimes the deepest grief is not for the relationship you actually had, but for:

• The relationship you wished it could be
• The future you imagined together
• The version of them who seemed just within reach

Letting go of those hopes can feel like losing a whole future, not just one person. It is understandable if that grief feels heavy or slow.

Gently Re-centering Yourself

Over time, you might choose small ways to bring the focus back to you:

• Noticing what you need in this moment: rest, company, quiet, movement
• Spending time with people, activities, or spaces that feel steady or comforting
• Listening to your body’s cues about when memories feel like too much

There is no rush to “get over it.” Healing from both love and harm is often slow and layered. Each small act of care for yourself is meaningful.

Your Feelings Are Not a Betrayal

If you still care about them, or if you miss them, it does not mean:

• You are weak
• You are to blame for what happened
• You are responsible for fixing them or the relationship

It simply means you formed a bond, and bonds do not disappear the moment harm is named. Your heart may take longer to adjust than the facts do.

Moving Forward at Your Own Pace

You do not need to have everything figured out right now. You might focus on:

• Taking things one day, or even one hour, at a time
• Sharing your mixed feelings with someone who can listen without judgment, if that feels safe
• Reminding yourself that ongoing waves of longing or grief do not mean you made the “wrong” choices

Your journey is yours alone, and it is valid, exactly as it is unfolding. You deserve gentleness from others and from yourself as you navigate the dual reality of love and harm.