Understanding Behaviour Changes in Kids After Separation

Normalizing shifts in behaviour after leaving.

When Kids Regress, Cling, or Get Angry at the Safe Parent

Why These Reactions Happen

Children who have lived with chaos, conflict, or abuse often carry fear and confusion in their bodies and minds, even when they are now in safer circumstances. Their nervous systems can stay on high alert, and this may show up in ways that can be confusing or painful for the safe parent.

None of this means you are failing. Often, these behaviors are actually signs that a child is beginning to feel just safe enough to let their feelings show.

Understanding Regression

“Regression” means a child goes back to earlier behaviors, like:

• Wanting a pacifier, bottle, or to be rocked, even if they are older
• Bedwetting or bathroom accidents after being fully trained
• Using baby talk or acting much younger than their age
• Wanting help with things they can normally do alone

These shifts can be confusing, but regression often:

• Is the child’s way of seeking extra comfort and reassurance
• Helps them “re-do” early needs that did not feel fully met
• Shows that the child trusts you enough to show their vulnerability

How You Might Gently Respond to Regression

You can choose what feels manageable for you. Some ideas:

• Acknowledge the need: “It seems like you need extra snuggles right now.”
• Offer age-appropriate comfort: rocking, reading together, sitting close, or using a cozy blanket or stuffed animal.
• Keep routines steady: predictable meals, bedtime, and transitions can feel grounding.
• Use simple reassurance: “You’re safe with me now. I’m here.”

You do not have to say “yes” to every regressive request. It is okay to set kind boundaries while still offering warmth and connection.

When Kids Become Very Clingy

Clinginess can look like:

• Not wanting you out of their sight
• Crying or panicking when you leave the room or go to work
• Constantly asking for reassurance (“Are you mad at me?” “Are you leaving?”)
• Wanting physical contact almost all the time

For children who have felt unsafe or unsure about caregivers, clinginess is often a way of asking:

“Will you really stay?” “Are you safe?” “Am I worth sticking around for?”

Supporting a Clingy Child While Caring for Yourself

Some gentle options:

• Name what’s happening. “It seems really hard when I’m not right next to you. It makes sense you feel that way after everything you’ve been through.”
• Offer a “bridge” when you separate. A special object, a short goodbye ritual, or a sentence you repeat each time you leave, like: “I am going to work now. I will see you after snack time.”
• Reassure without over-promising. “My plan is to pick you up after school, like we usually do.”
• Balance closeness with gentle boundaries. “I’m going to the bathroom. You’re safe here, and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
• Take small breaks when you can. Even a few minutes to breathe, drink water, or sit quietly can help your own nervous system.

Anger Directed at the Safe Parent

It can feel deeply painful when the child directs anger, yelling, or blame at the parent who is trying to keep them safe. This does not mean you have done something wrong. Often, it means:

• You feel emotionally safer to be angry with than the person who harmed or scared them.
• The child is testing: “If I show you my worst feelings, will you still stay?”
• Their anger at the hurtful situation is spilling onto the person closest to them now.

What Anger Can Look Like

• “I hate you!” “You’re mean!” “You’re just like them!”
• Refusing to cooperate with routines or rules
• Slamming doors, stomping, or throwing small objects
• Shutting down, refusing to talk, or rolling their eyes

Ways to Hold Space for Their Anger

You do not have to be a perfect listener. You only need to be a “good enough” one, as often as you can. Some options:

• Pause before responding. If you can, take a breath or count slowly before you answer. This gives your body a moment to settle.
• Separate the feeling from the behavior. “It’s okay to feel angry. I’m not okay with being hit. We can find another way to show how mad you are.”
• Reflect what you see. “You look really frustrated.” “It seems like everything feels unfair right now.”
• Keep your words simple and calm when possible. Long explanations can feel overwhelming when a child is flooded with feelings.
• Return to repair after conflict. “Earlier was really hard. I care about you, even when we’re both upset.”

“Holding Space” Without Needing to Be Perfect

To “hold space” means:

• Letting your child have their feelings without rushing to fix or stop them
• Staying as present and steady as you can
• Offering comfort and boundaries at the same time

This is about being human with them, not superhuman. You are allowed to have limits, needs, and emotions too.

Small Ways to Hold Space

• Use short, grounding phrases. “I’m here.” “We can get through this together.” “You’re allowed to feel what you feel.”
• Stay physically nearby if it feels safe. Sitting in the same room, even in silence, can feel connecting.
• Offer choices. “Do you want a hug, or should I sit over here?” “Do you want to draw or squeeze a pillow while you’re mad?”
• Notice your own body. Feel your feet on the floor, unclench your jaw, or take a slow breath out. Your calmer body can help their body feel calmer over time.

Caring for Your Own Emotional Load

Parenting a child who is regressing, clingy, or angry can be exhausting and lonely. Your nervous system has been through a lot, too. It is understandable if you feel:

• Drained or numb
• Guilty or ashamed for losing patience
• Conflicted between wanting closeness and craving space

Gentle Support for You

• Offer yourself the same compassion. “I’m doing the best I can in a really hard situation.”
• Allow small breaks when possible. Even short moments to sit outside, stretch, or listen to something soothing can matter.
• Reach for safe support. If available, you might talk with a trusted friend, a support group, or a helping professional about what you’re carrying.
• Adjust expectations. On overwhelming days, “good enough” parenting is still parenting.

Holding On to Hope

Regression, clinginess, and anger toward the safe parent can be part of a child’s slow journey toward feeling safer. These behaviors are hard to live with, and they are also messages: “I’m scared,” “Do you really love me?” “Is it finally safe to feel this?”

You are allowed to move at a pace that feels possible. Small, imperfect moments of connection add up over time. Your care, even with all its human limits, is meaningful.