Questions to Sit With When You’re Torn About Leaving

Reflective questions for people who feel pulled between staying, leaving, or going back.

Questions to Hold When You’re Unsure About Leaving or Staying

Why It’s Normal to Feel Torn

Many people feel pulled in different directions when a relationship is painful, scary, or confusing. You might notice love and fear living side by side, or memories of good moments mixed with hurtful ones.

These questions are not here to push you toward any decision. They are simply invitations to notice what is already inside you, at your own pace.

You might reflect on:

• What feels true for me today, even if it might change tomorrow?
• In what moments do I feel most confused about this relationship?
• Are there parts of me that want to stay? What are they hoping for?
• Are there parts of me that want to leave? What are they needing?
• How do I feel in my body when I imagine staying? How do I feel when I imagine leaving?
• What fears come up if I picture things staying exactly the same?
• What fears come up if I picture things changing?
• What messages have I received from family, culture, or faith about “leaving” or “staying”? How do those messages affect me?
• When I’m alone and honest with myself, what do I wish someone would quietly acknowledge about my situation?

Practical Questions (Money, Kids, Housing, Immigration, Pets)

Practical realities can feel heavy and complicated. Wondering about them does not commit you to any decision; it simply helps you see more clearly what you are holding.

Money and work

• What money do I have direct access to right now, if any?
• Whose name is on the bank accounts, credit cards, or major bills?
• Have there been times when money was used to control, punish, or limit me?
• What skills, experiences, or strengths do I have that could help me support myself, now or later?
• Who, if anyone, has ever offered help with money, food, rides, or small things during hard times?
• What feels most overwhelming about money when I imagine changes in this relationship?

Children

• What do my children see, hear, or feel when tension or conflict happens?
• How might they describe the atmosphere at home in their own words?
• When do my children seem most relaxed or playful? What is different about those times?
• Have they ever said or done anything that made me worry about how they are coping?
• What do I wish could be different for them, even if I’m not sure how to make it happen?
• How do my responsibilities and love for my children affect how torn I feel about staying or going?

Housing and basic needs

• If I imagine needing to be somewhere else temporarily, where do my thoughts go first?
• Is there anyone I would even consider asking for a night or two of help, in an emergency?
• What items would feel essential for me or my children, if we had to leave quickly?
• What parts of my home feel safe or comforting to me right now? What parts do not?
• When I think about being on my own, what basic needs feel most uncertain or scary?

Immigration, documentation, and status

• How does my immigration or documentation status affect my sense of freedom or options?
• Has my partner ever mentioned my status in a way that made me feel afraid or trapped?
• What worries do I carry about authorities, systems, or paperwork if I seek any kind of help?
• Are there trusted people or communities (cultural, faith, language-based) where I might feel safer asking gentle questions about my situation?
• What would I want a helper to understand about my culture, language, or status before I talk with them?

Pets and animals

• How attached am I or my children to our pets?
• Have my pets ever been hurt, threatened, or treated roughly during conflicts?
• If I imagined being away from home for a while, what concerns come up about my pets’ safety and care?
• Is there anyone I might trust, even in theory, to watch my pet if things became unsafe?
• How much does worry about my pets affect my decisions about staying, leaving, or seeking help?

Emotional Questions (Grief, Hope, Fear, Love, Guilt)

Emotions around abusive or unhealthy relationships are rarely simple. You might notice strong feelings, numbness, or both at different times.

Grief

• What did I hope this relationship would be like when it began?
• Which good memories do I hold onto, and how do they affect my decisions now?
• What losses am I already living with, even while I am still here?
• If things never changed, what future dreams would I be grieving?

Hope

• What am I hoping will change, and what has already changed, if anything?
• How long have I been hoping for the same change?
• What promises or apologies feel meaningful to me? Which ones feel repeated?
• When I think about hope, do I feel more comforted, more exhausted, or both?

Fear

• What am I most afraid of if I stay?
• What am I most afraid of if I leave or if something changes?
• Are there specific situations or topics that increase my fear quickly?
• How does fear show up in my body (tension, stomach, headaches, sleep, or something else)?
• What fears feel too heavy to say out loud to anyone yet?

Love and attachment

• In what moments do I still feel love, tenderness, or connection with my partner?
• What qualities did I first fall in love with? Do I still see them now?
• How do I feel when I remember the early days of this relationship?
• What would it mean to me to accept that love and harm are both present here?
• How do I talk to myself about loving someone who also hurts or scares me?

Guilt and self-blame

• When something goes wrong, where does my mind go first—toward blaming myself, blaming them, or something else?
• What words has my partner used about me that I now repeat to myself?
• What do I feel guilty about when I think of staying?
• What do I feel guilty about when I think of leaving?
• If a close friend described a situation exactly like mine, what would I think about them? Would I blame them the way I blame myself?

Safety Questions (Patterns, Escalation, Weapons, Threats)

Safety can be physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial. Reflecting on patterns does not mean you must act right now. It simply helps you notice what is already happening.

Patterns and escalation

• When conflict happens, what usually triggers it?
• Is there a pattern or cycle (tension, explosion, apology, “honeymoon,” calm)? How would I describe it?
• Over time, have hurtful behaviors stayed the same, decreased, or become more frequent or intense?
• Are there times of day, certain people, or specific events that seem to make things worse?
• Have I ever found myself minimizing what happened afterward? What do I tell myself in those moments?

Threats and intimidation

• Has my partner ever threatened me, others, pets, themselves, or my property?
• Have they threatened to expose private information, call authorities, or harm my reputation?
• Are there things I do or avoid doing mainly to keep the peace or prevent an outburst?
• How do I usually feel just before they come home or before we talk about hard topics?
• Have bystanders (neighbors, friends, children) ever looked worried or scared during conflicts?

Weapons or objects that feel dangerous

• Are there any weapons or objects in the home that have ever been used to threaten, intimidate, or harm, even once?
• Have there been moments where I felt sudden fear because of how an object was held, displayed, or mentioned?
• Have I noticed myself mentally tracking where certain objects or exits are, just in case?
• Do I ever imagine “what if” scenarios involving weapons or dangerous objects, even if nothing has happened yet?

My internal safety signals

• What are my earliest warning signs that things might be about to get bad (tone of voice, silence, body language, substances, messages)?
• What do I usually do when I sense danger coming—emotionally or physically?
• Have I ever thought, “This could get really bad,” or “I don’t recognize this person right now”?
• Who, if anyone, knows even a small part of what is really happening at home?
• In my quietest inner voice, what do I believe about my level of safety right now?

Gentle Closing: No Right or Wrong Timeline

Your story, your body, your heart, and your circumstances are unique. There is no single “correct” moment to understand everything, to name what is happening, or to make any decision about staying or leaving.

As you sit with these questions, you might notice:

• Some answers feel clear, while others feel foggy or change day to day.
• Certain questions feel too painful to touch right now.
• New questions of your own begin to surface.

All of that is okay.

You are allowed to move slowly. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to care about your own safety and well-being, even if others don’t fully understand.

If you ever choose to share your reflections with someone—a trusted friend, a support line, a community or faith leader—you can share as much or as little as feels right. You are the expert on your life.

Whatever timeline you are on, your confusion, your questions, and your mixed feelings all make sense. You deserve gentleness, including from yourself, as you continue to notice what is true for you.