Worrying About Pets When Leaving or Considering Leaving

Emotional + practical dilemmas around pets.

Navigating Emotional Attachment to Pets in Abusive Situations

Emotional Bonds With Pets

For many people, pets are not “just animals.” They are companions, family, and sometimes the only source of steady comfort in a chaotic or frightening environment.

When someone is living with abuse, a pet can feel like:

• A source of unconditional affection and non-judgment
• A reason to get out of bed, eat, or go outside
• A being to care for when caring for oneself feels hard
• A witness who “knows” something is wrong, even if no one else sees it

These bonds can be especially strong if a person feels isolated, disbelieved, or controlled in other relationships. The pet may feel like the one safe connection in their daily life.

When Pets Are Used as Leverage in Abuse

People who use abuse or control may recognize how much a survivor cares for a pet and may use that love as a way to maintain power. This can be deeply frightening and confusing.

Some ways this can show up include:

• Threatening to give away, abandon, or harm a pet
• Refusing to allow basic care for the pet, such as food or vet visits
• Using the pet as a way to force someone to stay or return
• Blaming the survivor for any distress the pet experiences
• Controlling access to the pet, such as locking the pet in another room

When a pet is used as leverage, the survivor may feel trapped: leaving may feel dangerous or painful, and staying may also feel unbearable.

The Weight of Guilt Around Leaving Pets

Survivors often describe an intense, heavy guilt related to their pets, no matter what choices they make. This guilt can linger long after the situation changes.

Common Feelings Survivors Describe

• “I abandoned them.” – Even if there was no safe way to bring the pet.
• “They needed me more than I needed safety.” – Minimizing their own wellbeing.
• “I should have found another option.” – Questioning their choices over and over.
• “If anything happens to them, it’s my fault.” – Carrying responsibility for the abuser’s actions.

These thoughts can be very powerful and painful, especially when someone already feels responsible for keeping everyone around them safe.

Why Guilt Around Pets Can Feel So Strong

The guilt can feel overwhelming because:

• Pets are vulnerable and depend on humans for care and safety.
• Survivors are often used to putting everyone else’s needs above their own.
• Abusive messages (“You’re cruel; you don’t care about the animals”) may echo in their mind.
• There may not have been clear, safe options in the moment.

From the outside, others might say, “You did what you had to do,” but internally, it can take a long time to believe and feel that.

Holding Complexity: Caring About Yourself and Your Pet

Survivors sometimes feel that they must choose between their own safety and their pet’s wellbeing. This is an impossibly painful position to be in, especially when someone is already under stress or threat.

It can help to gently remember:

• You did not create the danger; the person using abuse did.
• You likely had limited time, resources, and information.
• Any step you took to reduce harm, even if imperfect, was made under pressure.

You can care deeply about your pet and still make choices you never wanted to make. Both can be true at the same time.

What Others Sometimes Do (In General Terms)

Different people in abusive situations make different choices, based on their safety, resources, and what is possible where they live. No single path is right for everyone.

Some General Categories of What Survivors Sometimes Choose

• Leaving with the pet when it feels possible
  Some survivors leave with their pet, especially if they have transportation, a place that can safely take both of them, and enough time to prepare.
• Finding temporary care through trusted people
  Others sometimes ask someone they trust to care for the pet for a period of time, such as a friend, relative, or neighbor who is able and willing.
• Seeking help from community organizations
  In some areas, survivors explore community resources, such as animal shelters or local groups, that might offer guidance or temporary support for pets. Availability and options can vary widely by location.
• Making plans over time, in small steps
  Some people quietly gather information, identify possible helpers, or set aside small resources over time, while watching carefully for changes in risk.
• Leaving without the pet when there seems to be no other option
  There are situations where someone decides they must leave even though their pet cannot go with them. This can be heartbreaking, and people may carry grief and worry about it for a long time.

Every one of these paths can involve heartache, doubt, and second-guessing. People generally make the choices they can with the information and options available in that specific moment.

Living With Grief and Mixed Feelings About Pets

After leaving, survivors may experience a mix of emotions about their pets:

• Sadness and grief
• Worry about how the pet is doing now
• Anger at the person who used the pet as leverage
• Relief about having survived
• Guilt that feels hard to shake

All of these responses are understandable. They can exist side by side. Feeling relief does not cancel out love for a pet, and feeling grief does not mean leaving was the wrong choice.

Being Gentle With Yourself

If you are carrying guilt or grief about a pet in an abusive situation, it may help to:

• Remind yourself of the limits and pressures you faced at the time
• Speak to yourself as you would speak to a close friend in the same situation
• Acknowledge that you loved your pet and did the best you could under very difficult circumstances
• Take things one small step at a time when memories or regrets feel overwhelming

You deserve compassion for the impossible choices you faced. Caring so deeply about a vulnerable animal says something tender and important about who you are, even if the outcome was not what you hoped for.