article

For LGBTQ+ Survivors of Abuse

Acknowledging unique dynamics in LGBTQ+ relationships.

lgbtqidentity

HEALING & IDENTITY

When Identity Is Used Against You

You Are Not Alone

When parts of who you are are used against you, it can feel confusing, painful, and isolating. Whether it is your gender identity, sexual orientation, culture, religion, disability, or any other part of you, none of it makes you responsible for mistreatment.

If you are reading this while feeling scared, ashamed, or unsure, your feelings make sense. You deserve to exist as you are, without fear that someone will punish you for it.

Identity Threats: When “Who You Are” Becomes a Weapon

Identity threats happen when someone uses your identity or personal information about you to control, intimidate, or silence you. This can be subtle or very direct.

Examples of Identity-Based Threats

Threatening to tell family, community, or employers about your gender identity, sexuality, relationship, religion, immigration status, or other private details.
Suggesting that no one will believe you because of your identity or background.
Claiming that you are “too sensitive,” “confused,” or “making things up” because of who you are.
Using slurs, stereotypes, or “jokes” to undermine your sense of self.
Implying that you would lose your children, housing, or support if you were “found out.”

These behaviors are not “normal relationship problems.” They are forms of emotional and psychological harm.

Outing as a Form of Control

“Outing” means revealing something private about your identity or life without your consent. For many people, being outed can have serious emotional, social, or practical consequences.

How Outing Can Show Up

Threats like “If you leave me, I’ll tell your family you’re queer/trans” or “I’ll tell your church you’re in this relationship.”
Sharing photos, messages, or private details with others to “prove” something about you.
Pressuring you to come out before you are ready, or to specific people you do not feel safe with.
Using your fear of being outed to stop you from reaching out for help.

When someone holds the power to out you and uses it as leverage, that is a form of control. You are allowed to choose when, how, and to whom you share your identity—if at all.

Being cautious about what you share and with whom can be a way of caring for yourself, not a sign of dishonesty or weakness. You have a right to privacy.

Internalized Shame: When Their Words Sink In

Over time, repeated put-downs, threats, or rejection can start to feel like they are true. This is called internalized shame: when messages from others become harsh beliefs about yourself.

What Internalized Shame Can Feel Like

Feeling “wrong,” “dirty,” or “unlovable” because of your identity.
Blaming yourself for the abuse or control: “If I weren’t like this, they wouldn’t treat me this way.”
Feeling you have to over-explain, over-apologize, or prove that you deserve basic respect.
Thinking you are “too much” or “not enough” for any community to truly accept you.
Feeling disconnected from yourself, like you have to split off or hide different parts of who you are.

None of these feelings mean there is something wrong with you. They often mean you have been surviving in environments that did not treat you with the care and respect you deserved.

Gently Challenging Shame

Noticing when a painful thought might actually be someone else’s voice living in your head.
Asking, “Would I say this to a friend I care about?” If not, you may be judging yourself too harshly.
Allowing small moments of self-kindness: a soft tone with yourself, a comforting activity, a validating statement.
Remembering that shame often grows in silence; even one safe person to talk to can make a difference.

You did not create the shame you carry. It was taught, imposed, and reinforced. Healing can mean slowly returning those burdens that were never yours to hold.

When Community Doesn’t Feel Safe or Accepting

Sometimes family, faith spaces, cultural communities, workplaces, or friend groups are not accepting of your identity. Losing or fearing the loss of community can be deeply painful and destabilizing.

The Pain of Not Being Accepted

You may experience:

Feeling like you have to choose between safety and belonging.
Staying quiet about harm because you worry people will side with the abusive person or with community rules.
Hearing messages that your identity is a “sin,” a “phase,” a “betrayal,” or “against tradition.”
Experiencing racism, transphobia, homophobia, ableism, xenophobia, or other prejudice even in spaces that claim to care about you.
Feeling like there is no community where all of you can be welcomed.

If you have stayed in harmful situations because you were afraid of losing your community, that is understandable. Staying, leaving, or partially distancing are all complex choices shaped by culture, survival, and care for yourself and others.

Holding All Your Identities With Care

You may carry more than one marginalized or misunderstood identity. The ways you experience harm can be shaped by race, culture, disability, immigration history, class, religion, language, and more.

Honoring Your Full Self

You do not have to pick one identity as “most real” or “most important.” They can all be true at once.
It is valid to love aspects of your culture or faith while also questioning or rejecting harmful beliefs.
You are allowed to seek support from multiple kinds of spaces—cultural, queer/trans-affirming, survivor-focused, disability-centered, spiritual, or secular—if that feels right for you.
There is no “correct” way to be queer, trans, religious, disabled, neurodivergent, or part of any group.

If you feel “in-between” or “too different” for any one space, that does not mean you are broken. It often means you are holding a complex, rich, layered self that deserves gentle understanding.

Finding Pockets of Support

Acceptance does not have to come from the people who hurt you. Sometimes it comes from unexpected places, or in small, steady moments.

Possible Sources of Support

A trusted person who has shown respect for your identity and your boundaries.
Peer or support groups that are identity-affirming and trauma-aware.
Online spaces where you can connect with others who share similar experiences, if that feels safe for you.
Stories, books, or media created by people who share your identities or experiences.
Spiritual or cultural practices that ground you, separate from people who may have misused them.

You can move slowly. You do not have to fully “come out,” label yourself, or share your story in order to deserve support. Even anonymous or partial sharing can be a meaningful step if it feels right for you.

Small Ways to Care for Yourself Right Now

If talking about identity threats and outing feels activating or heavy, it can help to take things in small pieces. You can pause whenever you need.

Gentle Options to Consider

Taking a break from difficult conversations or content and returning only if and when you feel ready.
Doing something that connects you to your body in a comforting way: stretching, warm tea, a soft blanket, listening to music.
Writing or thinking about one part of your identity that you appreciate, even if it feels complicated.
Reminding yourself: “I am allowed to exist as I am, even if others don’t understand.”
Noticing one person, place, or practice that feels even a little bit safer or more accepting than what you grew up with.

Whatever has been used against you does not define your worth. Your identity is not a problem to solve; it is part of your story, your resilience, and your right to be here. You deserve relationships and communities where all of you can be met with respect and care.