For Male Survivors of Abuse

Support for men experiencing coercive control or harm.

When Others Don’t Understand: Coping With Stigma and Disbelief

You Are Not Alone

Experiencing harm is already heavy. Needing to carry stigma, disbelief, or pressure to “just move on” can make it feel even heavier. If you have ever been doubted, minimized, or made to feel ashamed, your reactions make sense.

Nothing about what happened is your fault. Feeling hurt, angry, numb, confused, or anything else is a valid response to a painful experience.

Understanding Stigma

Stigma is the unfair blame, judgment, or shame society often places on people who have been harmed instead of on those who caused the harm. It can be direct, like hurtful comments, or subtle, like silence and avoidance.

How Stigma Can Show Up

• People suggesting you “should have known better” or “should have left sooner.”
• Friends or family changing the subject when you try to talk.
• Being told you’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting.”
• Feeling pressure to protect the person who harmed you, or to protect their reputation.
• Internal thoughts like “Maybe it really is my fault” or “I should be over this by now.”

If any of this feels familiar, it does not mean your experience is less real or less important. It often means the people around you are uncomfortable with the topic, not that you are wrong for speaking up.

When You Are Not Believed

Not being believed can be deeply painful. It can feel like a second wound on top of what you have already been through. The reactions you received from others do not define what really happened.

Common Hurtful Responses

• “Are you sure?” or “I don’t remember it that way.”
• “They would never do something like that.”
• Focusing on your behavior instead of the harm, like “Why were you there?” or “Why didn’t you leave?”
• People staying “neutral” in ways that end up dismissing you.
• Gossip, rumors, or people distancing themselves from you.

Hearing these kinds of responses can create doubt in your own mind. You might start to question your memory, your perceptions, or your worth. This is a very human reaction to being dismissed or rejected.

What Is Still True

• Your memories and feelings are yours, even if others refuse to accept them.
• The absence of support does not equal the absence of harm.
• Some people lack the knowledge, courage, or willingness to acknowledge abuse, even when it is clear.
• You deserve care and respect whether or not others “take sides.”

Emotional Suppression: When You Feel You Have to Push It Down

Many people learn, directly or indirectly, that they must hide their emotions to be accepted or to stay safe. You may have needed to go numb or stay “strong” to get through daily life or to avoid conflict.

Why Suppressing Feelings Can Make Sense

• Fear that expressing pain will make others angry or dismissive.
• Past experiences where vulnerability was used against you.
• Messages like “Toughen up,” “Don’t cry,” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
• Feeling responsible for keeping the peace in your family, relationship, or community.
• Believing that if you start feeling, you might never be able to stop.

If you notice yourself shutting down, going blank, or quickly changing the subject, these may be ways your mind and body are trying to protect you. There is nothing “weak” or “wrong” about the ways you learned to survive.

Possible Effects of Pushing Feelings Down

Everyone is different, but some people notice:

• Feeling disconnected or “numb.”
• Sudden waves of emotion that feel overwhelming or confusing.
• Physical tension, headaches, stomach issues, or trouble sleeping.
• Difficulty trusting your instincts or needs.
• Feeling “too much” or “not enough” at the same time.

Barriers to Seeking Help

Reaching out for support can be complicated. If you have not sought help yet, or if you tried and stopped, there are often many understandable reasons.

Common Barriers

• Fear of not being believed: Worry that you will face more disbelief, blame, or judgment.
• Shame and self-blame: Feeling like you “should have prevented it” or “should handle it alone.”
• Minimizing what happened: Comparing your experience to others and telling yourself “It wasn’t that bad.”
• Pressure to protect others: Worry about how speaking up could affect family, community, or the person who harmed you.
• Cultural or community expectations: Messages that you must stay silent to maintain harmony, reputation, or loyalty.
• Previous negative experiences with help: Being dismissed, ignored, or harmed when you asked for support in the past.
• Practical barriers: Time, money, transportation, language, or not knowing where to start.
• Emotional exhaustion: Feeling too tired or overwhelmed to explain everything again.

Every barrier you face is real and deserves respect. The fact that it feels hard to ask for help does not mean you are “failing.” It usually means you have already been carrying a lot on your own.

Honoring Your Feelings, At Your Own Pace

It is okay if you are not ready to talk in detail. It is okay if you change your mind about who you want to share with, or how much. You get to set the pace.

Gentle Ways to Begin Acknowledging What You Feel

• Silently naming emotions to yourself, like “I feel hurt,” “I feel angry,” or “I feel numb.”
• Writing a few lines in a journal, or even a note on your phone, just for you.
• Drawing, moving, or listening to music that matches your mood.
• Letting one safe person know, “Something happened and I’m not ready to talk, but I could use some kindness.”
• Giving yourself permission to pause and breathe when emotions show up, instead of pushing them away immediately.

Finding Support That Feels Safer

Support does not look the same for everyone. What feels helpful can change over time. You are allowed to choose what fits you, and to let go of what does not.

Different Forms Support Can Take

• One trusted person who listens without trying to “fix” you.
• Anonymous helplines or online chats where you do not have to share your identity.
• Peer communities or support spaces where others have lived through similar things.
• Creative outlets, spiritual practices, or community spaces that help you feel less alone.
• Professional help, if and when it feels accessible and aligned with your needs.

It is okay to take small steps, such as reading about others’ experiences, saving resources for later, or simply considering what kind of support might feel least stressful right now.

Reclaiming Your Voice After Disbelief

Being doubted can make it hard to trust yourself. Over time, you can gently rebuild a sense that your own inner voice matters.

Possible Small Steps

• Notice moments when your body reacts (a tight chest, a knot in your stomach) and quietly ask, “What are you trying to tell me?”
• Remind yourself: “My feelings are real, even if others don’t understand them.”
• Practice saying “I know what I experienced” to yourself, even if you do not say it out loud to others.
• Limit conversations with people who repeatedly dismiss or twist your words, when that feels possible.
• Seek out stories or voices that affirm survivors, to balance out the messages of doubt.

Moving Forward, One Choice At A Time

Living with stigma, disbelief, and pressure to suppress your emotions can be exhausting. It makes sense if you feel tired, confused, or unsure what to do next.

You do not have to figure everything out today. Even noticing that these experiences have affected you is a meaningful act of self-awareness and care.

You Deserve

• To be treated with respect and dignity.
• To have your feelings taken seriously, including by yourself.
• To move at the pace that feels safest and most manageable for you.
• To seek support in the ways that work for your life, culture, and values.
• To have a life that is not defined only by what was done to you.

Whatever you choose to do next — whether it is reaching out, learning more, resting, or simply breathing through the moment you are in — is your choice. That choice matters. You matter.