Money, Survival, and Small Practical Steps

A gentle look at money, survival, and small practical steps if abuse has affected your finances.

Money, Survival, and Rebuilding Control

Naming Financial Abuse Without Shaming Yourself

Many people live through financial control or harm without realizing it has a name. Finding words for what happened can be a relief, and it can also feel scary or embarrassing. Both reactions are normal.

Financial abuse can show up in many different ways, including:

• Someone else taking complete control of bank accounts, cards, or cash
• Being forced to hand over paychecks, benefits, or inheritance
• Being blocked from working, studying, or building skills
• Debts or contracts opened in your name without your full, freely given consent
• Constantly being monitored or questioned about every purchase
• Being given an “allowance” that is too small for basic needs, while the other person spends freely
• Threats like “You’ll be homeless” or “No one will hire you” if you leave

None of this means you are “bad with money,” foolish, or at fault. Financial abuse is about power and control. Many abusers are skilled at convincing people that the situation is normal or that they “deserve” it.

You may have:

• Made choices to keep the peace or stay physically safer
• Agreed to things you were pressured into because it felt like the only option
• Stayed because you had no safe way to support yourself or others

Those were survival decisions. Surviving in an unsafe situation is resourceful, not shameful.

Tiny Steps: Learning Your Numbers and Creating Gentle Clarity

Money can feel overwhelming after abuse, especially if you were told you “can’t handle it.” Small, quiet steps can still be powerful. You do not need to fix everything at once.

Getting Curious About Your Numbers

You might start with information that feels safest and most available. For example:

• Listing the sources of money you have or might have (income, benefits, support from trusted people)
• Noting your regular, basic expenses (food, transport, medicine, childcare, housing if applicable)
• Writing down any bills or debts you already know about, without judgment or pressure to act immediately
• Noticing what you actually spend in a week on everyday items, as best you can remember

This is not about perfection. It is about gently turning the lights on in a room that someone else wanted to keep dark.

Simple Ways to Track, at Your Own Pace

If it feels safe, some people find it helpful to:

• Use a small notebook or piece of paper to jot down money coming in and going out
• Take occasional notes on your phone, using a name that feels ordinary or private to you
• Review receipts when you can, even if only for a few minutes
• Check balances when it feels safe to do so, and write them down to notice changes over time

You can track for a few days or a week, then take a break. Even short bursts of attention build confidence.

Opening and Storing Information Safely

Your safety and comfort come first. If you are worried someone may react badly to you learning about money, consider:

• Whether it feels safer to keep notes in one place instead of many
• Whether you prefer physical notes or digital notes, depending on which can be more easily kept private
• Using neutral labels for documents or files so they do not attract attention
• Regularly asking yourself, “Does this step feel okay for me right now?” and adjusting as needed

You are allowed to move slowly. Every small step you take toward understanding your own finances is a step toward more choice.

Places People Sometimes Look for Support

When someone is dealing with financial harm or recovering from it, they may not know where to turn. Options will differ by location, and availability can change, but here are some general types of support people sometimes consider.

Informal and Personal Support

• Trusted friends or family: Some people talk with someone who has shown they are respectful, discreet, and non-judgmental. This might be for emotional support, brainstorming options, or occasional practical help.
• Peer or survivor communities: Spaces (online or in person) where people talk about financial control, debt, and rebuilding after abuse can help reduce isolation and shame.
• Faith or spiritual communities: For some, a spiritual leader or community member can offer listening, practical ideas, or limited material assistance.

Practical and Everyday Resources

• Employment and job-seeking supports: Some people look for help with resumes, job applications, or training to build income over time.
• Educational resources: Books, videos, and basic money guides can help explain everyday topics like budgeting, banking, and credit in simple language.
• Community-based supports: Depending on your location, there may be community centers, charities, or social service organizations that offer information about housing, food, or basic needs.

Information and Advocacy-Oriented Spaces

• Organizations focused on abuse or violence: Some organizations that support survivors may also share information about financial abuse, safety planning, and local resources.
• Debt and consumer information services: In some places, there are non-profit or community-based services that provide general information about handling debt, payments, and credit records.

The Emotional Side of Money After Abuse

Money after abuse is rarely “just numbers.” It is often tangled up with fear, humiliation, anger, grief, and deep exhaustion. If this is true for you, nothing is wrong with you; it is a common impact of what you have been through.

Shame and Self-Blame

You might catch yourself thinking:

• “I should have known better.”
• “How did I let this happen?”
• “No one else is this messed up with money.”

These thoughts are painful, and they often grow out of messages the abusive person repeated. They may have blamed you for their spending, debts, or control. Over time, those messages can start to feel like your own voice.

It can help to remember:

• You made choices in a situation shaped by fear, manipulation, or limited options.
• Financial systems can be confusing even when there is no abuse.
• Feeling ashamed does not mean you did something wrong; it means you were not treated with care and respect.

Fear, Scarcity, and Survival Mode

After financial abuse, many people live with a constant sense of “not enough,” even when numbers begin to improve. Your nervous system may still be on high alert, expecting the worst.

This can show up as:

• Feeling terrified to spend on any non-essential, even small ones
• Panic when bills arrive or when you check balances
• Wanting to avoid anything to do with money altogether
• Over-checking accounts or obsessively planning, trying to prevent any surprise

These are understandable responses to living through instability or control. They are ways your body and mind try to protect you.

Grief for What Was Lost

Money can represent time, dreams, security, and choices. When financial abuse happens, people may lose savings, opportunities, housing, education, or long-held plans.

It is natural to grieve:

• Years of work that disappeared into someone else’s control
• Plans for travel, school, or family that had to be postponed or changed
• The sense of safety you hoped money would bring

Your grief is valid, even if others do not fully understand it.

Gently Rebuilding Trust in Yourself

Rebuilding your relationship with money after abuse often includes rebuilding trust in your own judgment. This does not have to be dramatic. It can start with very small experiments, such as:

• Choosing one small purchase that is just for you, within what you can afford, and noticing how it feels
• Making a tiny plan for the week’s money and then checking in with yourself about how it went, with kindness
• Learning one new money-related concept at a time, instead of everything at once
• Celebrating small wins, like paying a bill, asking a question, or opening a piece of mail you were avoiding

If you slip, forget, or feel overwhelmed, that does not erase your progress. You are practicing something that many people were never taught, while also healing from harm.