When You Think You’re Being Watched or Monitored

A grounding piece about the fear of being monitored.

Feeling Watched: Trusting Your Sense That Something Is Wrong

Why People Feel Watched or Monitored

Many people in controlling or abusive situations describe a heavy feeling of being watched, checked up on, or constantly evaluated. This can happen even when there is no clear proof in front of them.

This feeling can come from many places, including:

• A pattern of questions about where you are, who you’re with, or what you are doing.
• Someone reacting to things they “shouldn’t know,” like private conversations or plans.
• Being criticized for how you text, who you follow, or how quickly you reply.
• Past experiences of being spied on, betrayed, or controlled.
• Growing up in a home where privacy was not respected.

None of these automatically mean you are being monitored, but they are valid reasons to feel uneasy. Your sense that something is “off” deserves attention, not dismissal.

How Gaslighting Can Make You Doubt Your Reality

Gaslighting is a pattern where someone causes you to question your memories, perceptions, or sanity. Over time, this can make you feel confused, dependent, and unsure of what is real.

When it comes to feeling watched or controlled, gaslighting can look like:

• They deny obvious things: “I never said that,” even when you remember the conversation clearly.
• They dismiss your concerns: “You’re being paranoid,” “You’re crazy,” or “You’re imagining things.”
• They twist the story: “If you didn’t have anything to hide, you wouldn’t care if I checked.”
• They blame you for their behavior: “I only look at your stuff because you made me insecure.”
• They rewrite events: “You’re remembering it wrong,” or “You always exaggerate.”

Gaslighting often happens slowly. You may start second-guessing yourself, apologizing for things that are not your fault, or relying on the other person to tell you what “really” happened.

Emotional Signs That Someone May Be Exercising Control

You know your situation best. Still, it can help to gently check in with yourself about patterns of control. Try noticing how you feel, rather than looking only at what the other person says.

Check in with your body and emotions

You might be experiencing controlling behavior if you often feel:

• On edge – like you are always bracing for criticism, anger, or questions.
• Hyper-aware – monitoring your words, clothing, or messages to avoid upsetting them.
• Trapped – as if there is no “right” choice that will keep them calm.
• Guilty – for wanting privacy, boundaries, or time alone.
• Small – like your needs, dreams, or opinions do not matter as much as theirs.

Questions to gently ask yourself

You might reflect on questions like these, at your own pace:

• Do I feel like I need to explain or justify every message, call, or post?
• Do I change what I say or do online because I worry about their reaction?
• Do they want access to my private spaces (messages, photos, accounts) and get angry or sulky if I say no?
• Do I feel scared of their mood if I do not respond quickly enough?
• Do they accuse me of hiding things whenever I ask for basic privacy?
• Do I feel more anxious than cared for when they “check in”?

There is no perfect checklist. Even one or two “yes” answers might be a sign that you deserve more respect and space than you are currently getting.

Noticing Patterns Without Blaming Yourself

It can be painful to recognize that someone may be crossing your boundaries, especially if you care about them. It may help to remember:

• Control and monitoring are choices they are making, not proof that you have done something wrong.
• You do not “cause” their jealousy, anger, or suspiciousness.
• Even if you have made mistakes, that does not justify ongoing control or disrespect.
• Your confusion is an understandable response to mixed messages and gaslighting.

Many survivors describe feeling “stupid” or “naive” for not seeing things earlier. In reality, you were doing your best with the information and support you had at the time.

Thinking About Safety in a Gentle, Broad Way

When control or gaslighting is involved, it can be helpful to think about safety in more than one area of your life:

• Emotional safety – Do you feel free to express feelings, change your mind, or disagree?
• Social safety – Are you able to keep or build friendships and connections outside the relationship?
• Practical safety – Do you have access to important documents, money, or transportation?
• Privacy – Do you feel like you have any space that is truly your own?

You do not need to make big decisions right away. Simply noticing what feels safe and what does not can be a meaningful step.

Seeking Tech-Safe Support, Only If It Feels Safe

Reaching out for support can be very helpful, but it is important to consider your safety and comfort before doing so, especially if you feel monitored.

Before you reach out

You might pause and gently ask yourself:

• Could someone see or question what I am reading or who I am contacting?
• Do I feel okay using this device or account to seek information or help?
• Would it feel safer to talk in person, on a different device, or at a different time?

If anything here raises concern or a “gut feeling” of unease, it is okay to slow down and rethink how and when you reach out. Your pace matters.

Possible sources of support

If you decide it feels safe enough, you might consider:

• Talking with a trusted person who believes you and does not rush you to act.
• Connecting with local or national helplines that support people in controlling or abusive situations.
• Reaching out to a counselor, advocate, or community worker who understands trauma and coercive control.

You are always the expert on your safety. You can choose how much you share, when you share it, and with whom.

Honoring Your Sense of Reality

Feeling watched, doubted, or controlled can wear you down over time. You deserve relationships where your privacy is respected, your voice matters, and your feelings are taken seriously.

Some gentle reminders:

• Your instincts are worth listening to, even if others dismiss them.
• Needing space or privacy does not make you secretive or “too sensitive.”
• Healing from gaslighting and control can take time, and that is okay.
• You are allowed to seek information, reassurance, and support when it feels safe enough to do so.

Whatever you decide to do next, your concerns and your experience are real. You are not alone in feeling this way, and you deserve care, respect, and safety.