Why Survivors Go Back (And How to Respond Kindly)

Helps supporters understand ambivalence.

Why Leaving Can Feel Impossible: Trauma Bonds, Fear of Change, and Financial Entrapment

What Is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a strong emotional attachment that forms between a person and someone who repeatedly hurts, controls, or devalues them, especially when the harm is mixed with affection or “making up.”

People in trauma bonds are often intelligent, caring, and insightful. The bond is not a sign of weakness; it is a human nervous system trying to survive a very difficult situation.

How Trauma Bonds Form

Trauma bonds often grow in relationships where there is a repeating cycle, such as:

• Affection, attention, or “honeymoon” periods
• Tension, criticism, or walking on eggshells
• Explosions: outbursts, cruelty, threats, or extreme control
• Apologies, gifts, promises, or “love bombing” afterward

Over time, this pattern can teach the brain to connect relief and “closeness” with the person who is also causing harm. The nervous system may start to feel:

• Relief when the abusive person is temporarily kind again
• Panic or emptiness at the thought of losing them
• Guilt or shame for wanting distance or change

Why Trauma Bonds Feel So Powerful

Trauma bonds can be incredibly strong because they often involve:

• Intermittent kindness: Good moments feel extra intense when they follow fear or hurt.
• Isolation: The abusive person may cut off friends, family, or outside support.
• Gaslighting: The survivor may be told their memories or feelings are wrong or “crazy.”
• Blame and shame: They may be made to feel responsible for the harm.
• Hope: Any small improvement can feel like proof that “this time will be different.”

Leaving or setting boundaries can feel like walking away from the only person who sometimes soothes the pain they also cause. That confusion is a common part of trauma bonding.

Fear of Change in Abusive or Controlling Relationships

Change can feel frightening, even when a situation is painful. In abusive or controlling relationships, fear of change is often intense because there may be real risks and many unknowns.

Common Fears Survivors May Carry

Someone in an abusive situation might be afraid of:

• Retaliation or escalation if they try to leave or set boundaries
• Losing their home, belongings, or community
• Being alone or never finding another partner
• How children, pets, or loved ones will be affected
• Being judged or blamed by family, friends, or faith communities
• Not being believed if they share what has been happening
• Surviving financially on their own

For some, the familiar pain can feel safer than the uncertainty of change. The brain may say, “At least I know how to survive this.”

Why “Just Leave” Can Feel Impossible

From the outside, it can seem like leaving is the obvious answer. From the inside, it may feel like:

• Every option has serious downsides or danger
• They are too exhausted, numb, or overwhelmed to plan
• They are responsible for keeping the peace or protecting others
• They are “overreacting” or that it “isn’t bad enough” to leave

Financial Entrapment and Economic Control

Financial entrapment happens when a person is prevented from having safe, independent control over money and basic resources. It is a common part of abusive and controlling dynamics.

What Financial Entrapment Can Look Like

• The abusive person controls all bank accounts or cards
• The survivor is not allowed to work, or their work is sabotaged
• All income is taken, “managed,” or tightly monitored
• The survivor is given only small amounts of “allowance”
• Debts, loans, or credit cards are opened in their name without full consent
• Important documents (ID, passport, immigration papers) are hidden or held
• Threats like “You’ll be homeless without me” or “No one else will support you”

Financial control can make someone feel trapped even if they see the harm clearly. Worries might include:

• “How will I feed myself or my kids?”
• “Where could I even go?”
• “I don’t have access to our money or documents.”
• “My credit is ruined. I feel stuck.”

How Friends and Family Can Offer Support

If someone you care about is in a harmful or controlling relationship, your presence can matter more than you realize. You do not have to fix their situation to be helpful.

Core Principles for Supporters

• Believe them when they share their experiences.
• Affirm their reality instead of minimizing.
• Respect their pace and choices, even when you’re worried.
• Offer options, not pressure or ultimatums.
• Focus on safety and emotional care over “solutions.”

Supportive Scripts: When You First Notice Something Is Wrong

Sometimes you have a feeling something is off but your loved one hasn’t said much. Gentle, non-pressuring words can open the door.

Scripts to Express Concern Without Judgment

• “I’ve noticed you seem more stressed lately.”

  “I might be wrong, but I’ve noticed you seem really tense and worried when your partner calls or texts. I care about you a lot. If you ever want to talk about anything, I’m here, no pressure.”

• “Your feelings make sense.”

  “Whatever is going on at home, your feelings about it matter. You don’t have to minimize it for me. I’m not here to judge you.”

• “You don’t have to have it all figured out.”

  “Even if you’re confused about how you feel or what you want to do, that’s completely okay. You don’t owe me a clear plan.”

Supportive Scripts: When They Talk About a Trauma Bond

If your loved one says they still love, miss, or feel drawn to someone who hurts them, gentle understanding can reduce shame.

Scripts That Validate the Bond

• Normalize their attachment

  “It makes sense that you still care about them. You’ve shared a lot together, and they’re not cruel 100% of the time. Having mixed feelings doesn’t mean you’re weak or that you want to be hurt.”

• Separate their worth from the relationship

  “The fact that you’re attached to them doesn’t say anything bad about who you are. It shows how deeply you can love and how hard you’ve tried to make this work.”

• Reflect the pattern gently

  “I hear how good it feels when they’re kind again after a fight. It also sounds like there’s a painful cycle that keeps repeating. I’m here with you as you sort through that.”

• Honor their autonomy

  “You get to decide what you do with this relationship. I won’t be angry with you if you stay, leave, or go back. I just care that you’re as safe and supported as possible.”

Supportive Scripts: When They’re Afraid of Change

Fear of change may be the biggest barrier they feel. Telling them to “just leave” can accidentally add pressure or shame.

Scripts That Acknowledge Fear

• Validate the risk and fear

  “Given everything you’ve been through, it makes so much sense that changing anything feels terrifying. You know your situation better than anyone, and your caution is understandable.”

• Offer presence, not pressure

  “You don’t have to make any big decisions today. We can just talk through what you’re feeling and what options you see, one step at a time.”

• Emphasize that any step counts

  “Even thinking about what you want is a big step. Writing things down, asking questions, or just letting yourself imagine a different future all matter.”

• Reduce the fear of judgment

  “If you decide to stay right now, I’m not going to abandon you. I care about you, not just the choices you make.”

Supportive Scripts: When They’re Financially Trapped

When money, housing, or documents are controlled, your loved one may feel hopeless or embarrassed. Gentle, practical empathy can help.

Scripts That Address Financial Entrapment

• Remove shame

  “Needing financial help doesn’t make you a burden. It sounds like a lot of this money situation was set up in a way that kept you dependent. That’s not your fault.”

• Validate how trapped they feel

  “Of course you feel stuck. Without access to money or documents, anyone would feel that way. It’s not that you’re not trying; the situation is genuinely hard.”

• Offer gentle, non-directive brainstorming

  “If you’d like, we can quietly think through small possibilities together—things like who you might trust, or what resources might exist in your area. We can go at your pace, and you’re in charge of what happens with any ideas.”

• Clarify your own limits while staying caring

  “I may not be able to fix the whole situation, but I’m willing to look up information with you, listen, or help you think through options whenever you want.”

Supportive Scripts: When They Leave, Return, or Feel Confused

Many people leave and return multiple times. Support that remains steady can reduce shame and increase safety over time.

Scripts for When They Leave

• Affirm their courage, not just the outcome

  “Whatever happens next, the steps you’ve taken to protect your well-being took a lot of courage. I’m proud of you for listening to yourself.”

• Normalize mixed emotions

  “It’s totally normal if you feel sad, guilty, relieved, or even miss them. Those feelings don’t mean you made the wrong decision; they just mean you’re human.”

Scripts for When They Go Back

• Keep the door of connection open

  “I care about you, and that doesn’t change because you went back. I’m still here for you, even if you make different choices than I would.”

• Reduce shame

  “Going back doesn’t erase what you’ve already learned or the strength you’ve shown. If you ever want to talk again, you won’t have to start from zero with me.”

Supportive Scripts: Calming and Grounding Messages

Short, steady messages can help your loved one feel less alone during intense moments.

Text or Message Ideas

• Simple presence

  “I’m thinking of you. You don’t have to respond, but I’m here if you want to talk.”

• Affirming their worth

  “You deserve kindness, respect, and safety in all your relationships, including this one.”

• Gentle grounding

  “If things feel overwhelming, it’s okay to take one breath, one moment at a time. You don’t have to solve everything tonight.”

• Non-urgent check-ins

  “No need to answer right away. Just wanted you to know I care about you and I’m not going anywhere.”

Taking Care of Yourself as a Supporter

Supporting someone in a harmful relationship can be emotionally heavy. Your well-being matters too.

Gentle Reminders for Supporters

• You did not cause the abuse, and you cannot control it.
• It is okay to set boundaries around what you can and cannot do.
• You are allowed to seek your own support, just as they are.
• Being a steady, nonjudgmental presence is often more powerful than any advice.